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What It Felt Like To Fall In Love With You Twice In My Life


The idea of us ceased to exist entirely. 

The first time that I fell in love with you, I wasn’t aware of what was happening to me. I couldn’t fully grasp the enormity of the situation and I let it consume me without my full understanding. I didn’t get to appreciate the steps leading up to my great eureka moment (which also wasn’t as grand as I expected it to be). I just kind of stumbled on the thought of it one day: I love you. And just like that, I knew. There was no light bulb that turned on. There were no fireworks that were set off. There was no dramatic music playing in the background. The world didn’t start to spin wildly nor did time seem to stop. There was no dramatic shift from my perspective. The world just went on as usual, oblivious to this sudden realization that I came to.

It was weird because the experience was nothing like what I read about in those romantic Nicholas Sparks novels or those romantic comedies that Hollywood was churning out left and right. I didn’t feel my heart race. I didn’t feel my blood boil. I didn’t necessarily get the feeling that the universe conspired for me to feel this way. It was more of a gradual build-up that eventually caught me by subtle surprise. It all started when we first met and we shared our first casual conversation about the book that I was reading in that caf where you spotted me. And our connection was established and built on over time. It was built on with our little dates and walks in the park. We started getting closer to one another on our long road trips to nowhere. Our love was slowly starting to form during those times we just lounged around on the couch at home even though we didn’t know it. There were no shooting stars or comets. It was just us. It was as if yesterday love didn’t exist, and today, there it is, staring us both right in the face. 

And suddenly, the act of loving you started to ingrain itself into my system. It almost became something like a routine . I woke up every morning and I immediately thought of you. I decided to send you a text message to tell you good morning and update you that I was on the way to work. And then I would go home and I would update you once more. Perhaps if we both had the time, we would see each other or talk on the phone and catch up with one another. And then we would say to one another our last pleasantries of the day and drift off into dream land only to wake up the next day to do everything all over again. It was almost something innate; something like a reflex. It almost naturalized itself in my life; like something that I had to obsessively carry out each and every day. It was like something that my natural impulses always veered towards doing. It was more robotic than it was emotional and it was driving me crazy inside. I didn’t know what to do. It was like I was caught inside an emotional vacuum where I couldn’t go up, down, left, nor right. I was stuck and I yearned for movement; any movement. I needed a sign of life. 

It’s a strange experience, how you can try to merge your own life with another person’s while still managing to preserve your sense of individuality. We were essentially two peas in a pods, but we still identified with being two very distinct peas. And I think that’s what the problem was. We never wanted to let go of our sense of self. We never wanted to give it up; not one bit. And gradually, us started to become you and I and then things started to go downhill from there. We drifted apart.

The idea of us ceased to exist entirely. 

But as fate would have it, here we are again; with a new opportunity to start things fresh. We have a chance to do things right this time. We have an opportunity to savor all of the moments and not rush through the stages. We have a chance to take things slow and appreciate the moments as they come. We have a chance to learn to be more present and more active. Droping in love with you now won’t seem like such a routine. It won’t seem so mundane and ordinary. I will know the things to look out for and I will be better prepared for them this time around. And while things might not seem totally new, they will be just as exciting and exhilarating as before.

The more you understand yourself, the more silence there is, the healthier you are. —Maxime Lagacé

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